Girl/Boy - The best that you can do * 2026
Summary
The formative years of Robert Hoffman.
Viewer discretion is advised when reading.
trigger/content warnings
- Implications of self harm/suicide
- Ableism & general bullying
- Loss of family members
The Hoffmans would've seemed like the ideal atomic family. Compromising of a Father, a Mother and their three children of varying age differences. Mr and Mrs Hoffman were hardworking citizens, happily married for twenty-five years and ongoing, pillars of their small community whether they knew it or not.
Radford Hoffman, eldest son of the family unit. Has recently left the nest in pursuit of his hobbies and self discovery. A hardworking and diligent young man whose parents ought to be proud of raising.
Renee Hoffman, the youngest and sole daughter of the family. Cute as a button and a delight to everyone she meets. She has a lot to learn but boy is she curious of the great, wide world around her.
Finally, there was Robert. The middle child of the Hoffmans, stuck right in between his siblings when it came to his parent's attention. A kindhearted and goofy boy, but incredibly inexperienced and dewy for his age.
Robert knew his family loved him. Robert knew very well he loved his family, his Mother and Father, his Brother and Sister. Yet he couldn't help shaking off that lingering image of what he truly was to his family, to his peers, to his community.
He had no reason to believe himself as such, yet it followed him like a shadow, always lurking right behind him. Robert himself was a perpetual shadow to his family, clinging onto them cause that was all he had, them choosing to keep him around out of social obligation. When and why did he start believing that?
Robert wasn't always the sharpest tool of the shed, it was endearing at first, one could call him the class clown of the school, the jokester of his family. However, when people realized that these aspects of his were to stay, they became long overdone, annoying.
Robert wasn't good at a lot of things, even after time and time, attempt after attempt of perseverance. The conclusion fell squarely the same, Robert Hoffman simply was not good at many things.
A slob when it came to his personal hygiene and cleanliness, no matter how many times he'd been instructed and taught by his seniors. A dunce when it came to his studies, constantly mispronouncing his words and writing total chicken scratch, no need to imagine what it was like for his other subjects. Totally dependent on his parents, and if his parents weren't there, his brother, and if he wasn't there, Robert was completely stranded on options.
It wasn't that Robert didn't want to learn, he'd loved learning, helping around and being useful to others was great. But the price of messing one thing too many times was harsh, the ridicule and judgment that came with it. Not only to himself, but for his family. A burden.
It was hard on Robert, feeling this way, the sense of morbid self awareness that swept in wave by wave in his mind. If other people felt like he did, how did they cope? How could they continue life like this? It just didn't make sense, it was just frustrating. Constantly being knocked out by the harsh waves of the ocean, drowning and drowning deeper into an abyss.
Robert was not well liked for these qualities of his, people eagerly pointing out all his flaws right to his face. He talked too much or too little, he was too loud, too soft. Robert was too wimpy and scrawny for the boys and too gross and creepy for the girls, being accused of acting too "effeminate" for a boy but not the right amount of feminine to ever be one of the girls. He was too sensitive, too try hard, too desperate to make any friends. Whatever he did, act or said was wrong, he was just too stubborn, too slow to truly get it. Robert was doing this all for attention, to cause trouble, to feel special.
They say the more times you hear something repeated, over and over again, it becomes reality. This was Robert's reality, he couldn't have ever imagined a scenario where it wasn't. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
The life expectancy rate of humans is usually by age seventy for both sexes combined. Seventy years of leeching off his community, Approximately twenty five thousand, five hundred and sixty five days remaining unchanged, useless, a burden to society.
How have humans lasted this long on earth this way?
Robert had a strange sense of interests and an even stranger sense of taste, he blames it on his elder brother partially.
Radford was a huge movie nut, from Radford's words, a self proclaimed "Ci-ne-phile" which sounded funny on Robert's tongue whenever he'd attempt to say it. It wasn't like they grew up with a lot of home media, going to the cinemas was a once in a time treat for the family before life got too busy.
Radford started working in his mid teens, a couple of shotty blue collar jobs he'd score from interviews. Most of those paychecks back in the day were spent on renting out the entirety of their local video stores, it was always a bit of a gamble when it came to the quality of the flicks Radford choose.
Robert technically wasn't allowed to watch a lot of the stuff Radford came home with, having a substantial age difference, Radford was in a completely different world than Robert's. Radford was player one while Robert was handed the clearly off-brand, snotty second player controller.
Memorable times spent together watching splatter-punk movies on their portable DVD player they shared at the lowest volume possible to not alert their parents through the paper thin walls. Pausing, rewinding and overworking that device to the bone as they commented back and forth about the film. Sometimes, it didn't matter if they'd actually enjoyed a movie, or if it was any good. It just felt nice riffing together, screaming and laughing at moments together, eating junk food while laid on the floor with their pillows underneath their shoulders, light shining off the player screen illuminating the dark bedroom.
There were ups and downs with sharing space, for a family their size and what apartment they had resided in, but these moments were tender, comforting. Robert missed Radford's presence once he'd finally moved out of the house, his brother wasn't even close to dead, but something inside him died feeling their connection tether off like yarn.
Now Robert shared a room with Renee, after she had outgrown needing to sleep in the same room as their parents. It was a little awkward, being placed in the role of the elder brother now, but his sister was sweet enough. They got along just fine, even playing toys together, a passing of the torch to Robert now that Radford was gone, it's the least he could do.
Robert wasn't the best at babysitting, he couldn't cook or use a washing machine to save his life. So once Renee was dropped off at daycare and all the adults of the Hoffman household went to work, Robert was all by himself, with nothing better to do but loiter.
Loitering around like a ghost haunting, blending in with the crowd, people watching at various places he'd stroll through. Malls were fun for window shopping, the parks had a self-controlled air to them, but one of his favorite locations to wander up in was the libraries.
They weren't too big nor too crowded, just packed tightly to still feel overwhelming at the selection of books to pick from, they'd even have a CD and DVD collection too. But Robert wasn't here for all that, his reading comprehension was basic and barely passed enough, what he enjoyed of the libraries were the computers.
The computers were a luxury for him to behold, outside of his school's I.T lessons where'd they learn basic typing or programming skills, a whole new world unfolded to him through the internet, pass the barriers and limitations imposed by the library's restrictions.
A classmate of his actually introduced this habit of Robert's to him, they weren't terribly familiar with each other, sorta forced to tolerate each other via seating arrangements. The only thing this other boy wanted to talk to Robert about were these series of bizarre videos dubbed "YouTube Poops".
While no one was looking, this boy would type the website's address link and instantly search up results upon results of so called YTPs and "MLG" videos. Crudely edited and loud skits of memorable IP characters doing absolutely stupid things, yet Robert couldn't help but enjoy these videos, he'd grin and snicker as they played in all their glory.
Of course they'd get in trouble for watching these videos, for them being too vulgar, too inappropriate, too childish… Robert didn't understand the scrutiny. It wasn't as if people expected any greater from him in the first place, so what if he was stupid and immature? It wasn't the worst he'd been called before, he could at least own his title.
So he indulged, this window to the web was his guilty pleasure, a home away from home as if he was attempting to recreate the warmness he felt when watching stupid, low budget movies with his brother. They were crude and depraving at times, loud and obnoxious, things he'd surely get in hot water for even witnessing, but he enjoyed that sense of forbiddenness when it came to watching or viewing these things online. As if he was playing the role of a spy in a grand heist, secretly looking out if anyone was watching him and pressing play on the video player from the keyboard's space bar.
Maybe the internet had already desensitized him, or it was just natural influence but Robert found that the reality and unreality of what he'd watch was no different or any less graphic than what his fellow peers would talk about.
Days spent in school, behind the teacher's backs or in passing, everyone had some sense of dirty knowledge, whether it be rumors of cooties or catching diseases from the simple touch of the opposite sex, making jokes and remarks about other people's appearances, their love lives, what they did when the lights went out and no one was witnessing. With comments and conversations like these, what worse could a gory video on the internet or a racy picture online do to Robert?
Well… It's not that he entirely enjoyed what he saw online either, it was a double edged sword. He wouldn't die encountering it out of a whim, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just perplexed Robert's mind, something he couldn't realistically get answers to without a heavy eyebrow raise or a scolding.
He really didn't understand how people have continued and progressed with civilizations all throughout the years when nobody wanted to talk about any elephants in the room, nobody knew how to answer him and he didn't even know when to start when it came to asking questions, questioning authority. Robert was lost on his place in the world, what would happen to people like him? Was there any place in the world for Robert? Anyone just like him, who understood how he felt. Or would he be left in the dark forever, always seen as too stupid, too dim-witted to be worth engaging with earnestly.
He really wished Radford didn't take the DVD player with him when he'd move away. He wonders where that classmate he used to sit next too was now.
Robert was never too familiar with his extended family, at most he'd remember the days spent driving around the family van to visit his grandparents from either side, after their reunions they'd pass each other by again until the next meeting. Over and over again.
The closest ties he had were to his dad's brother who coincidentally was sheriff of the town. Robert knows it's rude to call his uncle by soley his first name, but surely he can get away with it when he refers to him as "Sheriff John", surely?
Uncle John was… peculiar. Much richer than Robert's family ever was, with his nice paying and authoritative job. Clearly the more "successful" brother out of the two when it came to comparing uncle John with Robert's dad. Uncle John however really had a rough patch in his life.
Robert didn't recall too much of his younger cousin, Hope, too well. She seemed very well loved, she was oh so loved by everyone. Yet Robert felt this sense of ennui whenever he'd attempt to remember her, filling in blanks on who she was and what she was like, were they ever friends? Did they play together? They must've, so why couldn't he remember?
He was too young to understand the full depth of her disappearance, but it really messed his uncle up, not helped with the fact his auntie, Uncle John's wife passed away years ago, talk about a double whammy.
Robert didn't know too much about his aunt either, he'd hope she was nice, from the pictures he's seen scattered across uncle John's house, she seemed like a lovely lady. She was also oh so very loved.
Robert's stomach would twist and turn whenever he thought of uncle John's family. Of course he felt bad for him, death was something you always associated with sadness, misery, losing something quite literally. So why couldn't Robert mourn their losses? Was there something sick and wrong with his brain?
Robert hates that he can't even recall how'd they act, what they liked, anything that wasn't reducing them down to their very essentials. A loving mother and precious daughter, both of whom were gone forever. What was that supposed to mean? Wouldn't his aunt or his cousin like to be remembered for something better?
As he lays on the upper bunk of the bunk bed Robert used to share with Radford, he tries his very best to close his eyes tight and dream about Hope and Auntie Hoffman.
Twisting and tossing around in his sheets, he tries to bring them into existence within his unconscious, pathetically hoping some how, some way that would bring them back, fix everything, make uncle John happy again, make Robert feel useful for once in his life.
Robert wonders if people would miss him if he'd gone missing. It's morbid to think about, yet it creeps in from the back of his mind, he needs to do something. Shout and exclaim to the world that he exists and that people should care about it, that he was wanted.
What if he was abducted one day? Held for ransom or worse, tortured and killed? Would people regret calling him stupid then? What if he got in a total freak accident, would that make people feel pity that they'd call him slow? Would he finally make a friend out of how miserable his existence would be if he happened to survive?
Sometimes, Robert's school would hold lectures in the assembly halls or the classrooms about mental health awareness, how people shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to admit they needed help. How they were not alone and could help save a life even.
With thoughts like these, was Robert worth saving? Why was he thinking of these horrible things like he wanted it to happen? To will it to existence somehow. He knows it's awful, he hates himself for having these thoughts and he doesn't even know how to tell anybody about them, to make it stop.
Robert Hoffman wonders if he'd be loved if tragedy befell on him, if that was all it took.
Finally, Robert made a friend, a friend.
Surely pathetic for someone his age, yet fitting for someone of his "reputation", but just one friend was all he needed and luckily, this friend was more than he could ever ask.
They were teamed up during P.E., dodgeball he recalls. Robert wasn't very nimble either, in general he seemed to fumble and wander around as if he was a baby deer, knocking into things or straight up walking into things and hitting his head hard. Dodgeball was obviously going to be agony for him, yet with Ross around, it'd actually seemed fun and exciting! Desperately jumping and sliding to avoid the flurry of balls projectile targeted onto them, even if he got hurt a little and had to sit the rest of the period out, Robert hadn't completely despised the class.
Ross wasn't much for talking, at first he seemed deep and brooding, "emo" as one would say, "goth" if another opposed, Robert personally didn't know or care about the difference, Ross just seemed very old school to him.
Robert grew worried if this would end up with him driving away yet another kid from a companionship, too stupid and weird for even the weird kids to acknowledge. So count him pleasantly surprised to see Ross stay by his side even at his lowest, his kookiest.
Ross eventually opened up more about himself, what he liked mainly or his homework solutions, Ross was pretty good at tutoring… only sometimes. He'd introduce Robert to some really sick bands he liked! Most of it being passed down from his father, Ross and Robert found themselves slowly bonding and cultivating a meaningful friendship with one another.
During lunch, they'd huddle by their corner of the cafeteria, sharing earbuds together as they'd play snippets of music Ross had downloaded on an off brand mp3 player he'd gotten for Christmas. Outside of school, they'd head over to the nearest convenience store to grab whatever snacks they could afford on their allowances and hang out at the back of Ross's house, or his dad's workplace.
Robert was so enamored by the fact he'd make such a friend like Ross, he'd never consider bringing Ross to somewhere like his family's apartment, or the library to spend time together on the computer, like it was suddenly all beneath Ross's status. He wished he could be as cool as Ross was… so it was hard then to wrap his mind on why Ross stuck around him.
Thus lead to a spiral, what if Ross was just doing all of this to pity him? Did he have nefarious plans to prank Robert and humiliate him? What if Robert was just lame and stupid to Ross and he just hadn't realized that but would eventually? What did he do to get such a friend like Ross?
Robert didn't want to believe Ross could be so cruel, especially after proving himself the first time, but he couldn't feel too safe… Robert mentally kicked himself for his worries. That he was so self conscious of himself that he'd make it all about himself, how he could ever imagine Ross being so mean and nasty when he's been nothing but nice and neutral at worse, what was wrong with Robert?!
He finally came to his conclusion in the bluntest way he could.
"Ross, why are you friends with me?"
Robert wanted to die immediately once that left his mouth, but before he could interrupt himself;
"Cause you're fun. And nice. I like spending time with you."
Ross seemed so certain and confident in himself when saying that, this had to be a trick wasn't it?
"You seriously think so? Like for real?"
"Duh. Bro you've been to my house for more times than I can count on one hand. If I didn't I would just not be hanging around you."
Robert really couldn't believe what he was hearing, cheeks flushing and glowing with a sense of pride that he attempted to hide from Ross. He swore he saw him giggle…
"I don't have friends and shit and I've been bullied too so like, I get how it feels okay. But we're cool, I think you're cool, cooler than cool even." Ross added nonchalantly.
"Geez louise… If you say so… thank you"
Robert felt a tug at his heart strings, sure it seemed insignificant in the grand scheme of things, he just felt so lucky and grateful to have Ross in his life now.
"Lol you really said geez louise out loud? You're a nerd lol."
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh uh!!"
They both went at it for the rest of the hour, laughing and goofing off at their stupid jokes, Robert felt the happiest he'd been in a while.
Unexpectedly, Robert and Ross's duo turned into a trio, a hot headed boy entering their friend group on a whim. He was much younger than the both of them and lived a totally different life than he or Ross have.
The Dorado kid, or Vanido if you knew his mother. He'd personally beg for them to call him Roy or he'd punch their teeth out, even if Robert knew it was total bull given his age and statue, he wasn't willing to test him.
Roy was certainly an interesting kid… high pitched and prone to anger ridiculously quick. He at first seemed like a total nightmare to deal with if he wasn't planning on bullying the duo, his parents seem to fulfill that role with disregarding Robert and Ross's existence as "ple-be-ians", whatever that meant. But as they hung around this kid more, the more Robert realized that they weren't so different after all.
In a way, Robert could understand a certain amount of desperateness Roy must've been to hang around kids like Ross and Robert, he certainly had an influence on them both, yet Roy was still at the older boy's mercy to not completely reject and ditch him.
Sometimes, Roy did things Robert didn't like, he'd act in ways that were really strange and unjustified. They'd argue a lot about the pettiest things, Roy would get himself into trouble for seemingly the sake of getting in trouble. It had all felt very… vain. This persona Roy was trying to build up for himself.
Still, there were times Robert could see that shell crack away, revealing more of who Roy really was like. He would never admit it but he could be really nerdy, Roy was embarrassingly passionate about seemingly tacky subjects, so try hard in his attempts to seem cool and interesting.
But… he liked that about Roy, Robert was glad to see a softer side to him outside of all the snark he'd cocooned himself in. Plus, admittedly… it was pretty fun to cause mayhem around town, not giving a shit about what others thought of them. It was freeing.
They all had their rough sides, the imperfections they'd desperately wish to hide away, or to marionette themselves as someone they believe they could never be; whether it be brave, intelligent, wise, etcetera.
But Robert didn't feel as alone as he once had. He knew in a way, whether by family or friends.
He was oh so loved.