2025 and the years before have been a whirlwind of emotions and complex feelings for me, a lot good and a lot very-VERY bad.
Starting off with how, my activity doing leisurely things such as coding or drawing have significantly lessened this year, and there's a reason. I am not happy with my art at the very least… how it is and my process with making art for years. There's only so much I can really blame myself with or look very cynically with all my life of drawing but as sad as it is to say, the one thing I've indulged in for years does not bring me much joy, at least for now and upon reflection.
I have done a lot of reflection of sorts this year, how much of it is actually useful is debatable but a common theme with all of them circles back to ultimately who I am and what I even bring to the world much less the internet.
I have done a lot of reflection of sorts this year, how much of it is actually useful is debatable but a common theme with all of them circles back to ultimately who I am and what I even bring to the world much less the internet.
I have no sense of identity or uniqueness that makes me stand out from others, my ideas are often shallow and selfish, none of my art actually breaks any boundaries nor contributes some way to the world. I've grown very cynical of my older art, even though I believe I have lost some skill sets I had when I was younger and had so much free time, I'm unsatisfied with making self indulgent art of fandom or ips that just aren't my ideas or my true feelings, but I don't think my own original ideas or any more genuine or better.
This is a lot of self loathing but it's the truth, no matter what I just can' find that spark to something I would enjoy, nor do I think I have the capability to indulge in such things without feeling selfish. I acknowlegde these feelings are ultimately irrational and negative, but I have not many other options.
I can wax poetic about all of my problems and how sad I am or how everything sucks but I don't wanna basically just televise a sad mopping story, this is just an honest reflection and look back on my art and my relationship to it. I do truly love creating and thinking about art, not just illustrative and the philosphy behind it, but I don't think I'd make very good or smart essays about it, even if I tried.
Maybe one day I can be satisfied with my art again, I know it's not a linear path, and it's very much never going to be fully resolved but I don't know when.
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